Divorce Diva Blog

So you are now divorced, you have received your Decree Nisi, it’s all done and dusted right? 

Hmmm, the question is – “Is it over for you?” 

When you divorce you divorce physically; one of you moves out and lives somewhere else. 

You divorce financially.  In other words you divide up your assets and liabilities and create two sets of accounts. 

However, lots of couples don’t emotionally divorce for years. 

What is emotionally divorcing?  It is where you “unhook” your emotions from the other person.  You have separated your emotions away from your spouse or your ex. 

For example I see lots of couples who are divorced or separated and one of them is always trying to keep the other “hooked” in an emotional relationship.  Now this can come in many guises from calling the other for advice and support, to sending emails that are quite aggressive and demeaning, all in the hopes of getting a reaction or a response from your former spouse.

There are different levels of being hooked emotionally to your ex.  Read the list and see if any apply to you.

•  When they come to pick up the kids do you try to engage them in conversation about areas of your life that you no longer share together?
• Do you use the kids as weapons?
• When you can say yes do you say no just because you know it will piss em off?
• When you see their vehicle do you throw your coffee all over it?
• Do you send food over as a care package to remind them that you are thinking of them?
• Do you jump when your ex says – hey can you do this errand for me or something similar?
• Do you look at your ex and want them back?
• Do you send nasty emails that attack them as a person?
• Do you drive by their house to see if they are home and if someone else is with them?
• When you know you are going to bump into your ex do you make an extra effort with what you are wearing and how you look?
• Do you criticise your ex at every opportunity?
• Do you try and flaunt your current girlfriend/boyfriend in front of them in the hope that they will realise that they still want you?
• Do you invite your ex over to “talk about the kids” and talk about everything else instead?

If you do any of these things you haven’t totally emotionally divorced from your ex. (more…)

Technorati Tags: communication, divorce, divorce counseling, emotional divorce, marriage and divorce

“What do I do when my ex-wife sends me emails that really don’t have anything to do with the kids and are just picking at me?”

Good question.

We’ve all been there. 

Whether your relationship with your ex is good or not so good, sometimes this happens.  An email comes in from your ex and it has that certain “tone” that just sends you through the roof.  Implications are made, subtle, but they are blazing clear to you – right?  You can feel your emotions rise, rapidly – a mix between anger, hurt, the need to justify and defend and some sadness. 

How did it come to this?

So what do you do?  Well if you are like most of us you get triggered by the flood of emotions and you quickly hit Reply and start pounding out a response.  You are going to explain to this person and boy they are going to listen!

Pounding out the response itself is not the problem.

Hitting the Send button is. 

Why you ask?

There are a few reasons not to hit the Send button.  First, when we get triggered by a flood of emotions there is a huge chemical rush into the body that takes quite a while to metabolize and while it is happening logic goes out the window.  You are reacting from pure raw emotion, old hurts, perceived or actual pain and grievances.

Secondly, what is the point?

To be right? 

To explain in the hope of being understood?

If your ex could understand you and accept your point of view you would probably still be married.  (more…)

Technorati Tags: anger and divorce, communication, divorce, email