Emotional Divorce
May 29th, 2009So you are now divorced, you have received your Decree Nisi, it’s all done and dusted right?
Hmmm, the question is – “Is it over for you?”
When you divorce you divorce physically; one of you moves out and lives somewhere else.
You divorce financially. In other words you divide up your assets and liabilities and create two sets of accounts.
However, lots of couples don’t emotionally divorce for years.
What is emotionally divorcing? It is where you “unhook” your emotions from the other person. You have separated your emotions away from your spouse or your ex.
For example I see lots of couples who are divorced or separated and one of them is always trying to keep the other “hooked” in an emotional relationship. Now this can come in many guises from calling the other for advice and support, to sending emails that are quite aggressive and demeaning, all in the hopes of getting a reaction or a response from your former spouse.
There are different levels of being hooked emotionally to your ex. Read the list and see if any apply to you.
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When they come to pick up the kids do you try to engage them in conversation about areas of your life that you no longer share together?
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Do you use the kids as weapons?
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When you can say yes do you say no just because you know it will piss em off?
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When you see their vehicle do you throw your coffee all over it?
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Do you send food over as a care package to remind them that you are thinking of them?
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Do you jump when your ex says – hey can you do this errand for me or something similar?
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Do you look at your ex and want them back?
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Do you send nasty emails that attack them as a person?
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Do you drive by their house to see if they are home and if someone else is with them?
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When you know you are going to bump into your ex do you make an extra effort with what you are wearing and how you look?
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Do you criticise your ex at every opportunity?
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Do you try and flaunt your current girlfriend/boyfriend in front of them in the hope that they will realise that they still want you?
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Do you invite your ex over to “talk about the kids” and talk about everything else instead?
If you do any of these things you haven’t totally emotionally divorced from your ex.
Harsh to say but true.
Now you may be saying to yourself “hang on sending food over or inviting them over are nice things to do”. This is true, but it is the Intention behind it that matters; if you are doing it because you appreciate them as a person, then great. But if you are doing it in the hopes that you can stay emotionally connected to them in a marital way then that’s not so good.
If you are still emotionally hooked into your ex then you’re not allowing any other relationships in, including the most important one – the one with yourself. There is no room – all your emotional energy is funnelled towards your ex, whether positive or negative.
So what do you do? Well, first you have to make a conscious effort to start withdrawing that emotional energy and bringing it back to yourself. This doesn’t happen overnight, so take baby steps. You have to realise and accept that the marriage is done, finished and it is time for you to start creating the life you want to live.
Some people like ritual to symbolise that they are making a shift. One client took a picture of his wife and put it in a little box and buried it in the yard. Another client wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote (we are talking about a 15 page letter) to her ex letting all the anger, frustration, love and pain out onto paper and then she took it down to a beach cried for ages and set the letter on fire.
For other people it is a case of building up their support network so when they feel that they want to “just quickly phone the ex” or “I’m just going to drop by and see if she needs a hand with anything” – they have a friend to call.
Think of it like a 12 step recovery programme for reclaiming your emotional energy and stepping into a new life.
So where are you? Are you still hooked or have you Emotionally Divorced?